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Saturday Morning - Little Dreamer
Life is but a dream...

Date: 2006-11-18 06:55
Subject: Saturday Morning
Security: Public
I love Saturday's.  

I dreamed that i was on a vacation with the kids and Lynn (their dad, my ex.)  He wasn't my ex during the dream tho.  We were with a bunch of people and got separated onto two different bus/vans.  I was frantic and upset that I wasn't on the same van as he was, until we stopped and I realized I was.  I was upset that i wasn't going to spend my vacation time with him.

I still struggle with my relationship to him.  I still miss being a couple with him.  I go over to his new house, the one he shares with Sharon, and I STILL feel anger and resentment and "why isn't this MINE???"  And i was the one that left him.  You'd have to know the whole story to understand how twisted this all is.  I left him and...yes, damit, I am sorry i did, i am sorry tho it was the right thing to do.  I want him, I want that life, but I also wan to be able to be ME, which I couldn't with him.  So would i be happier trying to be who he wanted me to be?  Gah.  And what about him?  I left him because i knew i made him miserable, because i knew he would find someone else to give him what/who he wanted.  To make him happy in the ways i couldn't.  And he is.  And now i resent it.  I love Adam, but I want to be married to Lynn.  I want what I had before, both of them. Adam lets me be me, lets me be who I am.  Lynn gave me all those other things, a marriage, a true partnership, partnership with a person who lives the kind of life I wanted: nice house, circle of fun, ecelctic friends, parties and culture and even his goddammed family.  <sigh>  i sometimes think it would be easier if I moved away, because then I wouldnt have to bear to witnes to his new, perfect life.  I wish Adam was both of them rolled into one.  Why couldnt Lynn accept me for who I am?  (Stupid question, that.  Why can't I just be like everyone else, ie hetero, mono, not kinky.  Why couldnt I just have stayed the same?)

I am obviously have some conflicting feelings this AM.
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November 2006