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Little Dreamer
Life is but a dream...

Date: 2006-11-18 06:55
Subject: Saturday Morning
Security: Public
I love Saturday's.  

I dreamed that i was on a vacation with the kids and Lynn (their dad, my ex.)  He wasn't my ex during the dream tho.  We were with a bunch of people and got separated onto two different bus/vans.  I was frantic and upset that I wasn't on the same van as he was, until we stopped and I realized I was.  I was upset that i wasn't going to spend my vacation time with him.

I still struggle with my relationship to him.  I still miss being a couple with him.  I go over to his new house, the one he shares with Sharon, and I STILL feel anger and resentment and "why isn't this MINE???"  And i was the one that left him.  You'd have to know the whole story to understand how twisted this all is.  I left him and...yes, damit, I am sorry i did, i am sorry tho it was the right thing to do.  I want him, I want that life, but I also wan to be able to be ME, which I couldn't with him.  So would i be happier trying to be who he wanted me to be?  Gah.  And what about him?  I left him because i knew i made him miserable, because i knew he would find someone else to give him what/who he wanted.  To make him happy in the ways i couldn't.  And he is.  And now i resent it.  I love Adam, but I want to be married to Lynn.  I want what I had before, both of them. Adam lets me be me, lets me be who I am.  Lynn gave me all those other things, a marriage, a true partnership, partnership with a person who lives the kind of life I wanted: nice house, circle of fun, ecelctic friends, parties and culture and even his goddammed family.  <sigh>  i sometimes think it would be easier if I moved away, because then I wouldnt have to bear to witnes to his new, perfect life.  I wish Adam was both of them rolled into one.  Why couldnt Lynn accept me for who I am?  (Stupid question, that.  Why can't I just be like everyone else, ie hetero, mono, not kinky.  Why couldnt I just have stayed the same?)

I am obviously have some conflicting feelings this AM.
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Date: 2006-11-14 17:13
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public
I've been trying to keep up with dream journaling again.  I really enjoy it when I do, and the more often I dream journal, the better my recall is of my dreams.  Dream analysis, listening to my dreams, interpreting them (or trying to) is linked to Tarot in some fundamental way to me. I did Tarot with Adam this past weekend.  It's hard not to try to read what I want to see into the cards, but I tried very hard not to, and let him draw most of his own conclusions.  I know that's not the usual way to read others' cards, the reader is supposed to interpret them for the querant, but b/c I have such a non-objective POV I kinda thought I needed to do it that way.  And he seems to have gotten a lot out of it, so it's all good, I think.

I wish I had brought my cards to do a reading today, while I am waiting to go to dinner with C and then to my Healing Arts Center appt.  An hour and a half massage!!!!  Yay.  Happy girl.

So I was trying to talk Adam into becoming OTR truck drivers this weekend.  Team drivers.  LOL  Really, it wouldnt be such a bad idea, except that I realize that I dont want that drastic of a change, after I have thought about it some.  Sometimes I am SO all over the place about things.  I should never ever open my mouth before it is a hard firm decision, at least in front of Adam.  But that's just it!  WHEN does it become a hard firm decision, hmm??  Um, never?  

Everything else with the car incident seems to be okay and my court appearance is canceled since they actually DO have the payment I made for my registration ticket, so i feel like things are going great, someone is smoothing things out for me.  <smile>  And it was no big deal to my boss that I was out yesterday dealing with that situation, either.  So good!  

Back to dream stuff, I have a new journal by my bed, maybe I should use that to take down whatever snippets of dream I can remember, and see if I can improve my recall naturally.  I know I dreamed about a dog last night (and have dreamed about a dog in several of my dreams lately.)  Need to figure out what/who that symbolizes.  In last night's dream he was running around the furniture and behind a refrigerator, off a leash, he was cute but not well trained or listening to his owner (a woman, I knew who she was while dreaming, but now I don't.)  We thought it was cute but were also exasperated with the precocious pup.  

My writing on the romantic suspense book is not going well.  Frankly, I could care less about my characters right now, so how can I make anyone else?  Actually, it is the romance that I could care less about.  There's no sizzle, no heat between them.  Maybe it is not supposed to be a romance?  But what would it be?  I don't know.  I've been thinking about writing some futuristic erotic, something to do with gender-bending or with a third sex, and possibly with mating between the three sexes, reproduction.  But maybe that is b/c I am reading a book about a similar subject.  Not erotica at all, straight sci-fi, but the notion is quite a turn-on, so why not write it that way?  Hmmm.
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Date: 2006-11-10 14:09
Subject: Look at me!
Security: Public

I'm interesting, really I am!  Well, maybe not.  But I want to be!  Well, maybe not.  Heh.  Joined the "add me 25+" community (I can't remember how to do that so that it's a link) and some of the people over there really ARE so interetsing!  I am almost afraid to add them tho, cuz they will come over here and go, "so"?  lol  Actually, that had never been something I thought about before.  Who read my journal, etc.  It was just my space to ramble or not.  I didnt have to work to be interesting, cuz I didnt care if I was.  

Really, tho.  Gotta fill out the profile, Ihave never gone this long without at least that.  And pictures!!!  What is UP with no userpics?? 

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Date: 2006-11-10 13:18
Subject: Today
Security: Public

Friday Friday Friday...!!!!

I never thought I'd be a person that was a "waiting for the weekend" person, but here I am, thrilled and excited about Friday.  It's the 9-5 (or 8-5 or 7:30-4:30 or whatever) work thing.  And being a WoW head now.  Gotta get my fix in!  lol

So I decided to stick with Weight Watching for awhile longer.  10lbs at least.  It's that "immediate gratification" v satisfaction later thing; and I know I will feel better physically if I am ten pounds lighter, yanno?  I just like myself better when I am.  So...a little bit of not getting the sweet that makes me happy right this moment, but being happier later about myself in general.

This weekend is Chicago!!!  Yay!  I love it that it is going to be a surprise, a total and complete surprise to him.  That he is going to go to bed tonight thinking he is working tomorrow and get up tomorrow thinking he is going to work til I won't let him leave the house.  :-)  YAYYAYAYAY  I love surprises, whether I am doing them or getting them.

Knit knit knit...I want to buy yarn today.  I need to start my first project...hmm.  Maybe I will take a project with me for that 5 hour drive to Chicago.  Yeah.  I actually think I have the mohair yarn for my sis's scarf, will have to check tonight.

Dinner with Court for A's bday...yummy tapas. 

I love my life. 

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Date: 2006-11-09 15:37
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public
I started this fairly long entry and was going well but then had to close w/o saving when my big boss (VP of the region) walked in. :-( And I wa sgoing so well!

I was talking about dieting. I am currently doing weight watchers, for real, meaning that I am doing the weekly points thing and going once a week. This is my first week, actually, and I go to weigh-in tomorrow. That's all well and good. But my question is why?  Why am I dieting?  Easy answer is, of course, because I am "overweight."  But am I really?  Umm, no.  I am on the high end of the scale for mu height/age, but not overweight.  I weigh more than I have in the past.  I weigh 140, and I liked when I was 120.  BUT DIETING MAKES ME UNHAPPY.  It makes me unhappy with myself, it makes me feel like I am failing, it takes away the pleasure that eating well, that eating certain things, brings me.  It means I am denying myself the simple pleasure of eating what I like and of enjoying a meal, because I am always feeling guilty for enjoying food when I am dieting.  How can that be good?  Where is the sense in that? 

I have some personal goals:

Knit holiday gifts for everyone this year.  Yes, since I am not that skilled yet, that means scarves, but I am okay with that.  I like to knit scarves.  I'd like to make Adam and I an afghan for the bed too, but that might be an after-Christmas project.

Find a writing class to take.

Continue with riding lessons with Ana.

There are others, but those are the ones I am on for now.  :-)

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Date: 2006-11-08 10:31
Subject: New Communities, etc.
Security: Public
Wandering thru LJ, reaquainting myself with some old friends, communities, finding new ones. Want to do the 50 books in a year thing, so added the 2006 version of it to keep an eye out on this year; will start next year. Always good to have new book reviews to read too. ;-)
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Date: 2006-11-08 09:51
Subject: Ssshh.
Security: Public
It's a quiet day so far. Looking at candidates, calling people. I do like recruiting, it's fun to talk to people about their work, their lives; fun to offer people jobs. The guys I work with...hmm. I don't know. But more about them in bits and pieces, I am sure.

I am at a quiet space in my life right now. Quiet (for the most part) in my head, quiet in my activities. No big drama, no rollercoasters, it is all good.

Don't know why I didnt go back to burningwoman; maybe just want to be a bit anonymous. Quiet. (See a theme here, eh?)

Writing, reading, WoW, riding, knitting. Trying to love myself. Be a good parent. That's all.
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Date: 2006-11-07 16:35
Subject: Trying to find a place to have my say...
Security: Public
Been here
Done this
Doing it again

At the edge of dreams are nightmares
or wakefulness
I don't know which I choose
So I am here
trying to figure it all out

Or just yak
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my journal
November 2006